Confidence is born of competence, and like every strength, it can be overdone, given the context. How can confidence be overdone? If a leader is unwilling to be uncomfortable. Or if confidence is not warranted by expertise. I don’t want an overly confident inexperienced pilot flying my plane.
Imagine that you were always comfortable. That would mean you’re not getting lost, being exposed to new ideas, designing a new product, or meeting a room full of strangers. It probably means you haven’t given a speech to prospects, or even moved recently.
Are there benefits of being uncomfortable? In fact we go to great ends to avoid this experience, whether it’s checking the weather forecast or traffic report to know what to expect or make contingency plans. Or calling ahead to find out who will be at a meeting to determine what kind of preparation will be needed or what tone it might take. Other practices to increase comfort: caffeine is designed to boost our attention and make our morning more comfortable, wine may be there to unwind at the end of the day, to make us more comfortable.
As an executive coach, I am often working with managers promoted to new higher levels of responsibility. The subsequent stress level can be stimulating or draining. It depends on the leader’s outlook, on the information and skill gap that needs to close, and on the culture. The biggest source of stress is when there is a great deal expected of you, and no control over whether you will perform well. This finding is based on John Medina’s very readable Brain Rules about how our brains work and how to optimize learning. Learning is innately joyful, unless the consequences for not knowing are oppressive in the process.
Take a client I’ll call Alex. I provided executive coaching with him on and off over many years when his job changed through promotion. At each promotion he was striving to gain his bearings, meet new staff and colleagues, learn new information about the segment of the company and customers he was newly serving, and set a vision for his group. Part of the executive coaching goals at each engagement were for him to become resilient with the unknown. Leaders have an appropriate commitment to establishing credibility and connections, dive into information, and understand budgets. To be informed. But leadership roles are not static and real confidence comes not from certainty but from being able to be uncomfortable with the unknown. Yes you read that right.
Unknown
Sometimes a natural disaster or criminal disaster calls on a leader to provide a leadership presence. This was the case with a client I’ll call Sean, CEO of a software company that had been rocked first by an acquisition and then by a disaster. In planning his presentation to all staff the next day, he reflected, “nothing prepares you for this.” That simple acknowledgement let him know the only course of action was to create a credible presence through his own awareness and principled leadership. Leaders do not often have to deal with the magnitude of this kind of disaster, and when they do, they cannot draw on their own experiences, and don’t have the time to call on others. It’s in those moments that leadership shows up: acknowledging the challenge, sharing what is known, sharing what is not known, and outlining next steps and a vision for the future. Sean had that approach, and even his tremulous voice did not detract from the impact of his message, but rather, conveyed to all that he was as shaken as everyone else. Yet he was still able to convene the group, show up, share the loss, and the concern, and convey confidence in their collective resilience moving forward.
Resilience
Self-compassion is a source of renewal, a personal battery recharge. A communication model developed by Marshall Rosenberg, NVC, advises awareness of feelings; feelings result from needs being met or not met. An executive moving up the ranks is bound to make mistakes if not in substance then in tone or style. She is bound to be facing the unknown. Rather than have that result in a free-floating anxiety or blame-seeking behavior, self-compassion and acceptance of the feeling without rushing through it is paradoxically calming. Leaders who are equipped to be resilient are not going to deny facts and reality, whereas those who have a fixed certain plan which might be disrupted by new information, can end up shooting the messenger or in other ways be unable embrace discomfort. Executive coaching can provide a forum for this kind of awareness.
Paradoxically those who are willing to be uncomfortable find more peace and equanimity. The rapids are dangerous but with appropriate attention and flexibility, propel one’s boat forward to the calm.
Expert Learner
The path to advancement for those leaders who are willing to take on the challenge, involves accepting the discomfort of being a learner despite deep expertise, motivated to achieve new levels of understanding, followed by the willingness to once again be uncomfortable by not knowing. Ironically the higher level the position, the more the role requires, on an ongoing basis, embracing the unknown. The more senior the leadership role, the less of the job is reliant on expertise and knowledge. Real leadership is the process of continually finding one’s balance, being willing to be destabilized, and flexible enough for that to provide new learning and understanding.
Embracing discomfort leads to informed risk taking. Eventually then, confidence comes from competence and expertise, as well as acknowledging the discomfort that is at the edge of new learning and leadership innovation.