Pay Attention
Shelly’s mother was in the hospital, in a rapid decline. Then she was moved to hospice, and a few weeks later she died. The company president, Lewis, in an attempt to offer some acknowledgment or words of consolation, said, “It must be hard to have your mother in-between like that.” In between? Was that some reference to purgatory, Shelly wondered? Or had Lewis just forgotten her mother died? She felt completely invisible as an employee – unknown and alone. This was literally a life and death issue to Shelly. It would not have been that hard for Lewis to pay attention for a minute or two to get the facts straight.
Show Compassion
Stewart and his partner were scheduled for a week’s vacation in the islands. A few days before their departure, his father took a sudden turn for the worse and Stewart realized he had to cancel the vacation. His father died a few days later and the next week was spent on funeral arrangements and other related processes. He had to forfeit his vacation, which was non-refundable. On his return to work, he found his co-workers had taken up a collection for a gift certificate, three nights at a nearby waterfront resort town. It wasn’t the islands but it sure warmed his heart that he had been taken care of in that way.
Get Clarity
Annie worked at a fast-paced high tech company. In her ninth month of pregnancy, she went out on maternity leave. Tragically her son was stillborn. She needed the maternity leave months to begin the recovery process, physically and emotionally. Some days she could not face getting out of bed. Finally she steeled herself to return to work. Apparently no one was informed of her loss. Well-wishers bounded into her office asking about the baby, and all day long she had to share news of his death. She wished she had been spared that agony. It would not have been that hard to let her co-workers know of her loss. Instead she felt an additional grief about the thoughtlessness of her employer.
Overview
Being sensitive to employees at a time of loss is not only the humane, mature, mindful thing to do, but it builds tremendous loyalty. Employees who feel treated with care will have another reason to love their employer. Many managers just don’t know what to do, even though they are well meaning. Every death triggers one’s own losses and awareness of mortality.
Employees who are grieving a death need acknowledgement of the event, and connection, to avoid feeling isolated. As a manager you do not have to be a qualified grief counselor, a best friend, or a therapist. Jody Leader, Ph.D., Clinical Psychologist in private practice in Brookline, MA shares this guidance:
Do Not Say
- Everything will be alright.
- It is for the best.
- I know how you feel.
- Is there anything I can do?
- How are you?
- I know you can/can’t handle this project.
Do
- Call as soon as possible after hearing the news and just leave a simple message. “I just heard about your father’s death. I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you today/this week.”
- Phone call is best because the person can hear your voice. (Email is too impersonal. Letters take too long to get there.)
- Text might be appropriate if you already have a text relationship with that person.
- Sit with them briefly on their return to work, acknowledge the loss, and wait to see if the person wants to talk. Wait silently.
- Offer whatever is sincerely available in terms of bereavement leave, or unpaid time off, or vacation. Be clear about the way time off will be handled.
- Allow them to pace their own re-entry. Some people find work therapeutic and will jump into challenging projects. Others need to do routine work to ease back into everyday life.
- Seek tips on what to say from other trusted colleagues, Human Resources or Employee Assistance Programs.
Additional Tips
Do not expect the bereaved to take care of you. Just be aware of your own discomfort with death or past losses, and accept it – then be present for the person who has had the loss.
Remember small gestures are very meaningful and convey caring concern. This may include:
- Invitation to lunch
- Bringing coffee
- Sending flowers
- Donating to the charity of their choice
- Sending “thinking of you” emails
- Stopping by the office for five minutes
One colleague of Dr. Leader had the experience of having to stop teaching a graduate level class. About a week later she received a letter of condolence that every student in the class had class signed. She felt “held in mind, and not so alone.”
Treating employees carefully after they have had a death in their family is the right thing to do, and builds loyalty.