Have you ever seen this play out in your office?
Douglas (Victim) complains to Jennifer that he has been treated unfairly, is a Victim. Jennifer (rescuer) feels badly for him, tries to help out, and makes suggestions. Douglas doesn’t follow Jennifer’s advice, so she gets hurt, feeling like a Victim, so Douglas must be the Villain. Oddly, Douglas’s role has changed from Victim to Villain. Jennifer’s has changed from Rescuer to Victim. How did that happen? Is anyone better off?
Let’s look at another case. Valerie’s client unfairly accuses her of an error, which she did not make. Not only that, the item in question is really the responsibility of the client. She feels that the client is being a Villain. She knows the client will not be a Rescuer, and she herself is tempted to Rescue the client from the error (even though it’s not her error). She does not like the Victim role, but she does feel like a Victim, wrongly accused. Even though the client is supposed to perform the task, they don’t do it well, which sends her group into having to audit and correct. So instead, she takes responsibility. She converts the Rescuer instinct into Teacher, and develops a how-to sheet with a brief recorded webinar so the client can learn what’s needed in the correct format.
Stephen Karpman, M.D., developed this model, the drama triangle www.karpmandramatriangle.com/. The way out, is for each person to take #responsibility to change his/her role out of the unhealthy version of Victim, Villain, Rescuer. As Valerie demonstrated, the change for the Rescuer is to become Teacher. The added responsibility for a Victim is to become Creator of what they want without blaming others for the fact that they haven’t previously created what they want. The Villain may mean well, may be challenging the status quo with the idea of improvement in mind, so the Villain with a little self-awareness can become a Challenger, or even take responsibility for making things happen, and become an Implementer.
Generally, complaints are spoken in the form of Victim language. Rescuers may eventually resent rescuing, and feel their efforts aren’t acknowledged, and regard themselves as a martyr. Here’s what you can do as a #leader for Victims:
Leader’s steps for Victim to transform to Creator
- Identify what went wrong from their point of view
- Explore whether there could be other explanations than the inference they have made
- Help them identify what they want instead
- Ask what next step they will take to create what they want
Leader’s steps for Rescuer to transform to Teacher
As a #leader, if you find someone in Rescuer mode, overly solicitous, even controlling or steamrolling in their helpfulness, ask:
- Have you been asked for help?
- Is your help beneficial? Have you checked that out?
- Is your help enabling others to be on the path of greater competence?
- Does helping in this situation benefit you?
- Can you help by teaching instead of doing?
Leader’s steps for Villain to transform to constructive Challenger:
As a #leader, if someone is consistently regarded by others as a Villain, by challenging, confronting, fault finding, ask:
- What is your intention behind pointing out this issue?
- Has the other person asked for your input?
- Have you presented it in a way that is constructive and actionable?
- Are you willing to participate in the solution?
If you are tired of the wasted energy of the drama triangle, see if you can interrupt it with these questions. We have all played these roles. The key is to catch ourselves, or help others out of the trap, and convert actions by taking responsibility. Everyone wins.
DO try this at home! Even if you just catch yourself in one of the roles: Victim (are you complaining?), Villain (are you accusing?) or Rescuer (are you saving someone who is really quite capable?). Once you see it you have so much more choice about how to respond.
Janet Britcher, MBA is President of Transformation Management, LLC and a Certified Executive Coach for leaders and managers. She has extensive experience as a leader and, prior to starting her own company in 2002, as head of Human Resources. Since 2002, she has provided one-on-one executive coaching, especially for managers recently promoted or destined for promotion, and offers leadership workshops to transform leadership effectiveness.